Everything You Are.

Ed Sheeran.

“Don’t quit cold turkey. Just slowly let him go. Give yourself time to shut down emotionally.”

Man. He’s right. My friend told me letting him go quickly will probably make this situation much worse. Especially if he starts feeding me words that would lure me in again. “I think we’d make a good couple.”

So. Here I was today, trying to get some heart to heart going with this guy about where we are in our “relationship,” only to end up with some vague response and confirmation of what I already knew.

“I take everything day to day, I like when you’re around so I’d like to keep seeing you.” No, honey. You’re just full of shit.

“I’m not sure what you think would change by putting a label on it.” Um, let’s see. Everything. Starting with how you could possibly take me more seriously than you do now. Which you won’t.

“I haven’t dared call anyone my girlfriend since the disaster that happened some years ago.” She cheated on him with one of his good friends. Sure, that’s awful. And I wouldn’t wish that tragedy on anyone. But apparently he’s going to let that ruin all future relationships since he will not move on. It’s been a couple years now.

Look. I’m not completely stupid. I’ve picked up little signs here and there. Like how he rarely asks about my day. Or the fact we don’t hang out during the week anymore. Or how he keeps saying, “You’re pretty.” Superficial as fuck.

“I like when you’re around so I’d like to keep seeing you.” Haha. I’m still reeling.

It’s going to be quite difficult seeing him without all those feelings swirling around. To finally realize that this whole time, it meant nothing. Not a damn thing. I think we’re supposed to talk or “chat” later this week. I’m not up to that shit anymore. I mean, where could that conversation really go. I would probably just end up saying, “I need to use the bathroom,” and then immediately walk out of the bar. And who knows what he would do next. Or, you know, not do. He’s two. The bottom line is that he is leaving anyway. In less than two months. Time to suck it up and slowly release these silly little sentiments. It’s not like we were actually going to be together. In no way is he ready for that, obviously.

Like my dood friend said, it’s not time wasted. I’ve just been presented with an opportunity to graduate to a higher level of man. To the point where in the beginning, I can call his bullshit without giving two flying fucks. Or I can clearly see when commitment isn’t even on the table. And I can be the one to leave first.

i regret nothing


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