Ask. But You Already Know Why.

Excerpts from Ask Polly:

“Your real problem is that you’re sure you have a problem. Because you’re pretty sure that you have a problem, you’re hiding. You’re putting up with whatever. You’re never getting ruffled or hurt. When someone breaks up with you, you’re not yelling ‘Whyyyyy?!!!’ In fact, you imply that only a weak or less evolved person would do that. you imply that you aren’t a weak person, you’re not crazy, you’re not fucked up, you’re evolved, you’re healthy, you have proof: Your therapist will vouch for you.”

“Because let me tell you the God’s honest truth: A lot of women out there are afraid of being something. The template for us is pretty clear: We are meant to have clean skin, a pleasant demeanor, and a nice rack…But there are lots of ladies around me, everywhere I go, who hesitate to say what they’re thinking and feeling. They go with the flow, they never make waves. And eventually, they don’t even seem to know what makes them who they are. They live to serve. They read the books that other people are reading. They say the pleasant things that other people are saying. They never put their needs first, unless it indirectly serves someone else…They make sure everyone around them is 100 percent satisfied.”

“You don’t cherish yourself. You do whatever what’s-his-face wants to do, for the sake of the fun little team, for the sake of demonstrating your good communication skill. Just admit it. You never draw lines in the sand. He says, ‘We need to talk, it’s serious.’ And you don’t say, ‘WHAT do you MEAN motherfucking WHAT?!! TELL ME RIGHT NOW.’ You say, “Okay.”

http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/ask-polly-why-dont-men-i-date-ever-love-me.html

— — —

I read the entire article. Multiple times. And like any advice column, I don’t agree with everything – but it did give me a contemplative pause.

A common question that every woman faces at some point? “Why doesn’t he love me? WHY doesn’t HE love ME?? WHY doesn’t he LOVE me?!!” Everyone wants love. Even villains. But the toughest conundrum is finally reaching that vulnerable threshold of feeling deeply for someone but then painfully realizing that they’re not even close to feeling the same way. “But, why? We’ve been together for so long. I’ve gotten in tight with his friends. His mother isn’t trying to kill me. I made brownies for his father. I laughed at his brother’s fucking jokes.” Look, it’s simple:

He never wanted to.

You might’ve been a placeholder. You’ve might’ve been a sex release. You’ve might’ve been needed to fill in for multiplayer mode. Most women can pick up what place they hold in the guy’s life. It’s just that mistake of holding onto the ridiculous hope that he’ll change and suddenly become serious about what you both have. Which usually turns out to be something nonexistent. But each “relationship” you find yourself in is good practice for the one that you’re meant for later on. It’s practice for speaking up. For expressing your needs, your emotions, even your insecurities. For knowing what you want, or what you deserve. If that person can’t handle that shit, he’s not going to be around too much longer anyway. Might as well give him an out, NOW. Before you build up something in that pretty little head that will never happen, and end up utterly devastated, and eating chocolate cream pies for weeks and weeks. Test the shit out of him. Make him work for the sex. Wait for him to open doors for you. Be upfront about what you don’t like. Let him know your values. Know yourself.

Personally, I am guilty of this exact thing. I don’t say shit. Even when the dood does something completely fucked up beyond belief. There are no angry verbs or adjectives exchanged at all. Rocking the boat was never really my thing. I considered it a nightmare after watching that chaos from my parents for most of my life. But over the years of saying zero, I’ve learned that that very action of choosing to do nothing hurts you beyond repair. It’s basically saying, “Hello. Pleased to meet you. I don’t respect myself. So do whatever the fuck you want with me.” It gives others endless amounts of get-out-of-jail-free cards. And oh, they will take advantage of that. And then suddenly, BYE. They peace out. Without saying the “why.”

NO. I’m over that shit. So I speak up more often. Crazy high expectations are lower. Bullshit becomes more transparent. And trust me, this all wasn’t achieved on my own – it helped having a close friend provide a guy’s perspective on more than one occasion. “Make him wait 3 months. If he’s still around, then he’s serious. Okay, more extreme. Make him wait 6 months? He’s ready to marry you.” I’m not ready for the latter, but getting respect is like seeing a pink unicorn these days. It would be nice to experience it as a reality. And look, once you give the guy that cookie, he has nothing left to try hard for. That’s why he can say “deuces” without any remorse. Bam. That’s it.

Now, it’s your turn. Raise up that magical middle finger and tell that dipshit goodbye. Dibbs on being first.

Maybe

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