I am stateside. I am back in the states. I see other Americans. More than two at a time. Fuck look, Chipolte.
For the first few days, I had to keep reminding myself that I am back in Ohio. I’d wake up at 2 a.m., and feel a softer blanket on my skin and then realize that I’m sleeping on an actual bed – next to my puppy, who has immediately claimed her own pillow. It’s a sudden change of pace. There are no big roads outside, you don’t hear crazed old ladies complaining about their groceries. It’s peaceful. I see so many tall trees. There’s no yellow air wafting here from China. I feel at home, which is something I’ve missed for years.
Korea has felt like a big chunk of my life. 3 years – that’s longer than most marriages. I feel like I found myself, and lost myself at the same time. Maybe a year was enough, maybe I should’ve moved onto a different country. (Norway? Sweden? Australia?) There were endless scenarios on how things could’ve turned out. I could’ve gotten alcohol poisoning. I could’ve ended up in a ditch somewhere. There were so many risks that were taken – I wanted to be carefree. For the first time in my life, I felt a weird sense of irresponsibility that was oddly liberating. And fortunately, Korea was the perfect place for that. I mean, thank the Lord for an amazing group of friends. They’ve kept me grounded in so many ways, and I will be forever grateful for that.
Over the years, I’ve learned to embrace different perspectives and types of people. Everyone is dealing with their own battles, hardships, tragedies. Their own kind of suck. Just don’t add to it if you don’t need to – don’t be an unnecessary asshole. You never lose anything by sharing your heart. And I’ve also understood the concept of knowing your own value. I know you see that line in articles and blog posts all. the. time. (“Know yourself. Be conscious of your values. Love yourself. Blah. Blah. Blaaaah.) BUT. There’s a reason why it’s frequently repeated. Okay, it can be easy to lose yourself. You could get caught up in the moments, in the fast-paced environment, and maybe you don’t want to be alone out there. But the worst thing is waking up one morning, and asking yourself what you have to show for it and who have you really become. Are you happy with yourself? Do you really have everything you want? Are you honestly content? Hmph.
Anyway. As I’m sitting here now, trying to picture how I would’ve wanted things to turn out, the fact is – I wouldn’t change a damn thing. Yes, there were plenty of incredibly foolish decisions, and yes, I was drunk most of the time. However, I have zero regrets and stories for days. (I mean, daaaaaaaays. All the days.) So sure, I’m weirdly happy I’m here now. In this high chair. Near the kitchen. With Daiz snoring nearby. Everything that happened was for the best.
Hey. Here’s to a new chapter. Adulting. -___-