“I’m not ready to lose you.”
I’ve always believed that the best things in life only happen once. One first car, one college graduation, one martini luge. It’s how they remain special forever. And there comes along a relationship like that as well – it’s the first one of its kind, and you want it to be your last.
Honestly. It’s all comes down to that feeling.
The feeling of finding what you think is rare. Something that seems to be so intoxicating and so indescribable, it has to remain in your life forever. You weather all the storms and further understand the concept of forgiveness, and even realize how much you both have grown. Together. It’s now a team. Fuck, even a family. His home is now yours. You exchange your darkest secrets. He sings to you in the shower. He helps with the puppy. You feel the desire to take more leaps. And despite all this ethereal bliss, you suddenly find yourself engulfed in a toxic tailspin, abruptly left alone. Eh. Alone-ish.
Look, I have never considered living with a guy before marriage. It seemed like an irresponsible downhill slope. “But we wanted to do a trial run before getting married.” Yeah, magical. “I wanted to know all his bad habits so I would be less disturbed.” Yo. He will never wash his hands, K? “I wanted to get used to her hair clumps and mounds of bobby pins.” You won’t. Ever. Never. “I wanted to have sex whenever and in the kitchen.” You watch a lot of Asian porn don’t you. Despite some valid arguments, you learn the hard truths real quick. Maybe you’re with someone that doesn’t want to meet your parents, like ever. Maybe you’re with a guy that hates you having girl nights out. Maybe you’re with a person that expects you to clean, cook, and clean again since they foot the utility bills. Or maybe you’re with someone that is secretly (but not so secretly) insecure about his shortcomings, his past, and even you. But along with those tough realities come understanding, perseverance, and hours of communication. You eventually soften out each other’s sharper edges. And living together becomes natural and even comforting. Besides that, you bluntly learn about the person, which can make you realize you don’t want to be with anyone else.
Okay. Story? His first love cheated on him multiple times while he was deployed. He’s divorced. It still haunts him that the marriage didn’t work out. His still clings to all his emotional baggage – ALL of it – and an older woman he can’t have. And, he’s terrified to jump in again. However, being the optimist that I am, I thought encouraging church and praying would be enough for a miracle, to help him get out his deep, dark hole. Instead, I find emotional cheating, disrespect towards my parents, and utter selfishness. Tack on the ceaseless repeating of the”L” word to that, and you receive a shit sandwich wrapped with all the glitter and bows. Look, I am not faultless. When I drink, I driiiiinnnnnnk. And blackouts/stupid decisions tend to ensue: giving out my phone number like a damn Oprah clone, leaving my wallet (and therefore all my life possessions) at the bar, taking a 4 hour train ride with complete strangers. Irregardless of all the dumbshit moves, I know one thing about myself – I am no cheater. And I knew how I felt about him.
Fast-forwarding. A lot. The biggest fight ever, the break up, the heart-wrenching messages, the move out, my decision to go back stateside. It was all an emotional blur – like watching my world spin out of control and there was nothing that could be done. Absolutely nothing. Yes, we eventually made up and yes, we reiterated how we felt towards each other. But I was leaving. And it was over.
Or so I thought. “I still love you. And I’m not ready to let go.” Huh?
So, here I am faced with a decision. Either continue to weather it out with him, or just drop all the shit and walk away. Frankly, I’m tired. These days, I often wake up wondering if I’m doing the right thing. “Are we being fair to each other?” “Am I okay with this? Like, really??” “Can he honestly keep it in his pants? Pft.” Some days, thinking about the future, gets me overwhelmed – especially when a feeling of doubt washes over me completely. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Or even within the next half-hour. I do enjoy the excitement of starting the day out with endless possibilities, but then nothing is for certain. Hey. Maybe that’s the point. I’m slowly starting to understand that there are many aspects of life that are out of my control – there’s a higher power who has already figured everything out. Ffs. Maybe the lesson of all time will be patience. Patience to give others time, patience to wait a minute, patience to see how things work out (or you know, not work out). And my end goal is to not fuck it up completely.
So. As I’m here, teetering back and forth on what to do next, I have to be honest with you. No one deserves to be made to feel like they aren’t valuable enough. There is only one of you in the entire living world. You have something unique to offer. And that person you choose to invest your time, love, and whole entire being in should make you damn well feel like they’re doing the same for you, or more. Never accept anything less, or you’ll find yourself vacant with broken promises and empty words. And maybe a pair of Beats by Dre headphones? 👐
I know I’ll be okay.